You can also pick up side quests which you may or may not choose to accept, most of which seem to involve sending you somewhere full of monsters to kill everything and/or bring back an item - standard RPG fare. Carrying out these quests, of course, assumes that you can figure out what the hell it is you're supposed to do and where you're supposed to do it. The auto-map is hard to follow. Levels don't transition at all, and you may wind up dumped in a new level nowhere near anything that looks like the door you just came in.

When you finally get there, wherever 'there' is, and have to fight monsters, you may look around in confusion until you discover your ankles are being savaged by six-inch tall skeleton babies or man-eating beetroot flowers. No, we're not joking. Endless hordes of the things.

Even the perspective feels wrong. You control a party of four characters, and can add up three NPCs for a total party of seven. Yet you view all the action from a traditional first-person shooter perspective, albeit without any sort of weapon view. The game controls play like a FPS - jumping, strafing, and so on - yet this perspective is meant to representative of the whole party. It's not as if you can turn around and see the other six with you - no, you're all breaching the fundamental law of physics that no two objects can occupy the same space at the same time. Anyone who's seen The Fly knows how nasty that can turn out.

Combat from this perspective is an extremely disatisfying affair. It consists of lining up the cross hairs in the middle of the screen over an enemy, and clicking away furiously. That is it. The only indication you have that you are actually doing something, is the swooshing sound that you presume to be your sword. You can't actually see anything, like for example ... a sword ... or see any effect like blood or damage to your enemy. Until it drops dead and/or explodes. If however you're engaging an enemy at a distance, you will see arrow fly from somewhere behind you towards the crosshairs. Similarly if you are casting a spell.

You know you are controlling a party, because each click of your mouse button cycles through one attack of each party member. For that real old-school flavour, you can also jump into turn-based mode by hitting enter when combat starts. Not that it makes it any more enjoyable.

Might and Magic IX is not, however, a completely dead loss. It still manages to appeal, at some level, to that RPG player's desire to level up, find items, and generally get rich and powerful. There is enough freedom of action in this game to allow you to pursue those ambitions, and if you stick at it you will get some satisfaction from developing your character. But in the cold light of day it does feel a bit like going to prison to learn woodwork.

The main quest reportedly takes about 60 hours to complete, with about the same amount of time again to complete all 65 side quests. Reportedly, because - sorry, we didn't make it that far. The prospect of sitting for 8 hours a day, for three full working weeks staring at those graphics with the sound turned down and wandering around looking for the meaning of it all was just too much.

"It is not only a game series, it is a role-playing legacy," proclaims the official web site proudly. Oh dear. In a market ruled by Moore's Law, where hardware becomes obsolete in six months, you're only as good as your last offering. Most of this game's target audience would barely have been out of nappies in 1984, so an appeal to their loyalty and nostalgia ain't gonna help.

In short, anyone who's looking for a great RPG won't find it here. Hold on for Daggerfall's sequel, Morrowind, or Icewind Dale 2, or Neverwinter Nights (since we know you will already have Dungeon Siege!). Role playing gamers are actually pretty spoilt for choice right now. MM9 just does not stand up to any sort of comparison with the competition for your gaming buck.